Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what success really looks like. I talk to clients, friends and my own children about what we perceive as success and what we think it takes to get there. 

This spring I have been listening to my son as he has spent the last few weeks working on high jump (a new sport for him), showing up, practicing, getting frustrated, trying again. Yesterday at his first home meet, he cleared the bar! He was so proud of himself and we were so proud of him, he really felt like he had done it and then, he wasn’t chosen to go to the away meet today. I watched him deflate and be angry with himself for all of the other jumps that hadn’t hit the mark and questioning why his success wasn’t noticed or that it somehow didn’t count.

We have also been navigating alongside my daughter, the spring of junior year. As many of you may know, junior year is a big year academically and there are so many considerations our kids have to make as they begin to plan for their future. We have watched her work so diligently for so long, building toward her future and achieving what I would consider many successes along the way. But in today’s landscape and competition we have learned that her options may not be as vast as she expected them to be. There’s been a quiet kind of shock in that for my husband and I as well as an overall disappointment for her that some things she thought were in reach may not be.

As a parent and honestly just as a person I can feel how easy it is in these moments to focus on what didn’t happen. How easily we let the absence of the win or the disappointment overshadow everything that came before it. So I found myself coming back to the same message with both of them, don’t dismiss the wins just because they don’t look the way you thought they would and, don’t dismiss that hard work has a pay off even if it isn’t the one you envisioned. Making it over the bar matters. Having the courage to imagine your future and work for it matters.

There are so many ways we quietly grow and push ourselves every day that don’t come with recognition or a clear outcome. It can start to feel like no matter how hard you’re working, you’re still not quite hitting the mark but that doesn’t mean you’re not moving forward. Think about  the yoga headstand you finally held for a few seconds after trying over and over, the mile you ran when you never really saw yourself as “a runner” or the moment you set a boundary with a friend even if it wasn’t received well.

We just want to remind you that hard work does pay off but not always in the ways, or on the timeline, we hoped for. If we’re  always waiting for the “big win” to feel proud of ourselves, we miss so many opportunities to feel strong, capable, and enough right where we are.

So we encourage you to slow down and really notice those moments. I have been actively trying to help my kids with this and also see it for myself. We forget that progress is success and we deserve and are worth celebrating.